Misplaced Guilt

There are plenty of people who should be feeling guilty for breastfeeding failure.

But the mothers who are doing the best they can with the information and access they have in a culture that is unsupportive and hostile???

Nope. 
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That ladies is called gaslighting.

And we women are so used to it, that we didn't even notice. We gaslight each other and ourselves. 

​it's called the Mummy Wars

This is written in relation to breastfeeding, but the concept remains the same for birth and circumcision (in the USA) 

90% of women want to breastfeed.

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Of the 10% who do not want to, there are 4 categories of women.

1. Those who have past trauma (including previous breastfeeding difficulty) that causes them to not want to breastfeed

2.  Those who think breastfeeding is gross, sexual or unhygienic

3.  Those who truly believe that formula is an equal choice

4.  Those who feel that breastfeeding would compromise their own bodily autonomy.

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Of the 90% who want to breastfeed there are many categories of “failures”. Some dyads will fit multiple categories.

1. Those who truly have IGT (estimated at around 2%)

2. Those whose baby truly has an allergic reaction to the breast milk itself (statistically very few)

3. Those whose baby has developmental, physical, or digestive issues that multiple interventions have been unable to resolve

4. Those whose baby has developmental, physical, or digestive issues that health professionals have dismissed

5. Those whose baby has developmental, physical, or digestive issues the mother has tried to self-identify/treat and been unsuccessful

6. Those mothers who have physical issues that multiple interventions have been unable to resolve

7. Those mothers who have physical issues that health professionals have dismissed

8. Those mothers who have physical issues that the mother has tried to self-identify/treat and been unsuccessful

9. Those who have been booby-trapped

10. Those who have been convinced that their child's normal behaviour or their body’s normal responses are somehow problematic and require fixing

11. Those who have to return to work before they have been able to truly establish feeding and supply

12. Those who adopt

13. Those who had a stressful or traumatic birth (for either mum or bub)

14. Those who had baby who is separated from them in the first days or weeks after birth (eg preemie, hospital nursery, mum recovering from emergency)

15. Those whose baby had post birth surgery of any kind (including circumcision)

16. Those who were convinced to give their baby a bottle before feeding was truly established and then found baby would not latch

17. Those who have been told their necessary medication is incompatible with breastfeeding

18. Those who found the road full of potholes and were eventually overwhelmed
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19. Those who gave up at the first sign of difficulty (statistically very few)

That list is by no means exhaustive.

On it there are two categories that are unresolvable - the first two.
There is one category that “didn’t try hard enough” - the last one.

Yet for some reason the women in the 16 other categories all talk about feeling guilty.

Why?

Why do you feel guilty? Really, why? 

I don't want to dismiss your feelings, but i'm not seeing a logical reason for it.

Let's look at the definitions for guilt.

Have you (or has anyone in any of the first 15 categories above) done something bad or wrong? Are you culpable, or blameworthy? Have you consciously committed an offence? 

nope!

Have you (or has anyone in any of the first 15 categories above) tried to meet your goals and to do the best by your baby?

yes!

So why do you feel guilty?

Because you “should/could have done more?”

Lets investigate that belief for a second.

There are most certainly plenty of parents who claim to be “trying their best” whilst they are actively dismissing and ignoring opportunities to learn/improve or get help.

Ask yourself and some friends if you are one of them.

If they say yes, then by all means feel guilty - but use that guilt productively as a catalyst for change and growth.

If the answer is no, then you’re feelings of guilt fits definition 2B. 

So the question is - why do you feel inadequate? Why do you feel that everything you did wasn’t good enough, that you’ve let your baby down, that you should have done more?

For some of you this will be a lifelong habit brought on by self-worth issues, being a woman or religion. But for many of you this “guilt” will be new. It will coincide with motherhood. Funnily enough it is known as “mummy guilt”.

But honestly why are we the ones feeling the guilt?

There are plenty of people who should be feeling guilty for breastfeeding failure.

• Doctors and nurses who claim to know what they are talking about but in reality have put their own ego before their patient’s best interests by not referring you to an actual specialist (an IBCLC)
• Health workers who don't bother to stay up to date on research and protocols
• Doctors who don’t even bother to check to see if there is a breastfeeding friendly version of the medication you need
• Health workers who let their own personal hang-ups about breastfeeding interfere with their professional stance
• Health workers and hospital administrators who attend/send their staff to baby feeding professional development run by formula companies
• Hospital administrators who insist on, defend or do not challenge policies and practices that interfere with breastfeeding success
• Hospital administrators that try to save money by understaffing
• Hospitals and Doctors offices who allow formula companies to hand out free samples, or otherwise advertise in their facility even for follow-on products
• Insurance companies and governments who do not cover IBCLCs in their health policies
• Governments and employers who refuse to give maternity leave
• Formula companies who purposely stoke the “mummy wars” in order to manipulate parents (and come across as the ones who actually care and aren’t judgemental)
• Formula companies who run a “breastfeeding helpline”
• People who give you stink-eye for breastfeeding in public
• People who constantly question if your baby is “getting enough milk”
• People who pass on and perpetuate myths about infant feeding and normal behaviour
• People who make money off of  perpetuating myths about infant feeding and normal behaviour (i’m looking at you baby whisperers)
• Unsupportive partners and family
• Anyone who tries to shame you no matter which side they are on

But the mothers who are doing the best they can with the information and access they have in a culture that is unsupportive and hostile???

That ladies is called gaslighting.

We have been systematically duped into believing that we are failures when so many people have failed us. We have been conned into taking on their guilt, whilst they skip merrily along continuing to repeat their crimes without remorse or even acknowledgement of responsibility.

So next time you feel the guilt creeping up, ask yourself - is this really mine? Do I really deserve to be feeling guilty, or have I been gaslighted?

Most likely it’s the later.